Friday the 13th

I miss you.

So Sad

How you can foresee something dreadful.
something terrible.
I read your notes of desperation
and I know I can't respond
Like an angel in heaven
who weeps because
we weep
and can't speak
to save
worry
or give
Gods grace
or tell us we're not all damned...

How sad
when you can see whats coming.
And do nothing to stop it
or forestall it.
Only watch
as it falls
to pieces
falls to shit

Falls

 a 
      p
a
      r 
  
     t     .

Please God

Don't punish me..

Feeling Like You Can't Breathe..

This is hard.
This is really really
Hard.
One day
one day
one day
one day too many
and its hard.
But things are going good,
so what am I to do?
I can't give it up.
But I can't give you up either
This is how it has to be.
For now.
Forever
Until I get there
Until you get there
Until you get
here
I love you
I love you
I love you
but is love ever enough?
I shouldn't have said anything
Please stop
It hurts.
I can't give you hope.
Please just stop.
It hurts.

It hurts.

Like the way you said goodbye and didn't look me in the eye.
It hurts.

Forever.

Was a word once,
once on my mind
something I fiddled with
but was
long forgotten.
I wanted it with
him
I loved
him
and he didn't want
me.
They say time heals all wounds.
Four years later
and I still can't forget.
All it takes is
one memory
and a ghost is haunting me.
I'll never escape.
And the only thing I know is that
forever feels so long ago
and I fear I'll never love again
and I'll be alone.

Forever.

Just for a Day

Sometimes,
when I'm feeling terrible
that horrible
feeling-
I don't reply
because it hurts.
I know you love me.
I know.
But I don't know if its
right.
I don't know if its what I
want.
I don't know
what to do
about it.
So I don't respond.
And sometimes
I don't respond
Just to see if you'll
miss me.
need me.
leave me..
Sometimes
I wonder
how long it will take
to wait
until you say

Goodbye.

But I can't wait for more than
a day.
because sometimes
its like loving you
hurts so bad
to breathe
and I can't live
I can't succeed
without you
But I have to.
So sometimes

I try to.

Just for a day.
I can't wait for more than a day..

I Just Want to Forget.

I have to stop talking to you.
I just want to forget.

Delete our conversations
our pictures
our memories..
The way you smelled
the way your skin felt
the way you looked at me.  
I can't accomplish what I need
you're a curse
a blessing.
I love you.

I hate you.

I want to erase everything we have
and everything we haven't
had the chance to have.

I hear you in the background.
my mind.
Its like static
White noise.

Please stop talking.
Please stop.

It won't stop.

I just want to forget..

You Think You Know Me

But on the inside.
This is what I'm feeling on the inside.

Do you care?
No.
You only care
what makes you happy.
I can read you.
Everything about you.
All it takes it a look.
You don't even know yourself.
How could you ever understand me?
You know I make you happy.
Because I laugh a lot.
I joke a lot.
I smile a lot.
But do you ever
look into my eyes?
My souls here.
But do you care?
No.
You only care
what makes you happy.

You think you know me.

Guess Again.

All It Takes is One Memory

To trigger that feeling. That awful awful feeling. And you don't even know what feeling it is. All you know is that when you're feeling it, you can't breathe, and yet you are breathing heavily. And your heart slows, yet pumps so quickly. You want to scream. But you stay silent.

It builds.

Help
help
help
help
help..

but no ones listening.

You don't even know what to say. You want to say everything and nothing all at once.

This is the first blog of my new life.

And all it takes is a memory.

To trigger that feeling.



That awful, awful feeling...