Why do I feel like soon I will die?

To Disappear From this Horrible Horrible Mood..

Did you ever blank out, for countless seconds at a time?
Just staring off into space, just standing, under a blank light, and you're not really thinking anything?
But you're wondering how you got there. Not under the light, but how you got in that state of mind, the kind of mind that brought you under the light, to stare off blankly in the first place. And you start thinking things, over thinking things. But you're not thinking, because you're not really there. You're just feeling. And you're staring at a vase of flowers and notice the One broken one in the whole mesh. And you think God its beautiful but its Broken! Its broken its so broken and no one will ever want it! Who would ever want something thats so broken?

And what if you couldn't see it? Would you know? Would you turn back? What if its not broken at all, but it just is perceived to be so that's how it sees itself now as well.

And you're standing on top of a mountain, and you're not there with the people you climbed it with, you're by yourself. And you call out but all you hear is your own voice, and the only echo is that of whats inside you. Staring off and all you think is "We are ants. If I disappeared here..no one would find me"
and you just wonder if that means you disappeared already.

And you're sitting at home writing this and you wonder when you'll come out of this horrible state you're in. They only last a short time. But you know if they're there, something inside you that's horrible is happening. And you just want it to be over.

Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

And I wonder if that's why people climb mountains in the first place.




Because they don't care if they disappear or not.




they have already.

A Horrible Feeling..

Did you ever feel empty inside?

Really Empty? As if you just got done watching a movie, and the credits are rolling--but the emotion from the last scene still lingers in the air. And the movie is really disturbing, and you don't know why but it affects you somehow. Like from something from your childhood, where something terrible happened to you to make you not feel anything anymore.  And I want to ask you if you were molested. But I don't think you were. I know you weren't. You're just cold. And then I wonder if I'm just asking myself. When I know I wasn't either.

But the last scene from the movie still lingers in the air, and nothing could drown out or fit into this empty space. The essence of it is pure feeling, gasping for air in a glass jar, with the lid on tight, building pressure, but never to break.

And I wonder when someone will get the idea to break the silence and release this secret for what it really is.

I wonder if I'll ever open my own jar of secrets


But I know I'll be trapped in the glass forever.

Love Always,

Elise

Falling Down a Mountain

I climbed a mountain in the snow with my bare hands and tennis shoes on. I slipped on rocks, stood on edges and nearly tumbled to my death. The top was beautiful. But I still felt empty inside. I still feel angry. I still feel broken. I guess, no matter the amazing things we do in life, we are still human. There's no escaping what you are, and sadly enough, pain still always finds a way of getting to you. And what they don't tell you, is how when you're at the top, it's beautiful, but then you have to find a safe way down. And sometimes there is no safe way down. And you have to just let yourself fall, let yourself get dirty, let yourself get hurt. Because it's the only way. And you start thinking on your way down, when it's so so far, was it worth it, to even get to the top? You start wondering if anythings really worth it at all. And you don't think about being alive or surviving or anything, you just think about getting to the bottom. Somehow it will all be okay when you're at the bottom.

Because then there's no more falling. There's no more pain, except for what you've already Incured. And you're just glad it's over. So in a way, I guess it wasn't the climb that made the trip, but all about the falling.

All about the part where you struggle where you never thought you'd have to; and watching as you survived it.

Merry Christmas

Love Always,
Elise

I need to stop remembering how we woke up kissing and remember how you stopped talking to me out of no where and said how it wouldn't matter if you lost me.

I can't remember anything except the part where I hate you.

I want to break this mirror and shatter every piece of it that's failed me. I wish for nothing more than to be whole but this shits already broken and all I do is cut myself with broken glass and things that were never meant to happen.

Bleed me whole again. Maybe broken is what I'm always meant to be.

Sometimes, Knowing You'll regret Something just Isn't Enough.

Not until you actually Do.

12 Days but I'm not Counting.

hidden
behind
brown
eyes
more
lies
upon
more
lies
deeper
than
the
very
soul.

"Make a Wish Harry."

The Fear.

Breathing
Breathing
Panic
Slightly
Days count down
Till they're single digits
And suddenly
Suddenly
You're looking at spots
Around corners
In the street
For shelter
For warmth
No emotion
Just survival
And panic
And you're just

Breathing.

Thinking.



[What am I going to Do??]

California suffocates me with it's walking bodies and not a single living soul.

You made me stop believing.

Pricked at the light of
Dawn
close petite windows
in defence-
What it would be like to float away
on thoughts of gold
and never have to think again of this numbing mind
this numbing heart;
I wish for happiness, but have forgotten
everything that means something
Questions filter through screens
my mind a puzzle of its own
Who's the mouse?
Who's the doctor?

And what Exactly, is the cheese?

Do we wish for windows to stay closed
or to open for breezes? I'll never know the thoughts
that swim into my blood like cold dead
fish
that somehow manage
to

Live.

Sometimes

Maybe I'm a bird who's wings were clipped and can no longer fly,
I watch, as I twitter along the floor,
Wishing for the sky

I once flew into wisps,
White,floating candy floss
Breathed the freshest air
Free from pollutants
Sorrows
Sadness
Loneliness..

And now these things
Are all my lungs breathe
And with each breath
The harder it is to
Soar.

So clip my wings and tell me

"Fly, Nevermore"

------------------------------------
And tell me
Your paralysis,
Does it cripple you,
Like you want it to?
And is not a broken heart
A flesh wound, like the rest?
I tell you, I'd rather have been shot
But Love has not a bullet proof vest.
But a suicide in cyanide waiting to
Continue.
Give the man your writing hand
And tell him to
stick it in you.
So you do it out of love
And you regret it out of hate
And you realize all of this,
Just a little too late.
As he looks in another's eyes
And thinks the same thoughts you could
See.
But not with you.
With another.

And so forever alone, crippled,

Your aching heart should be.


[[what is the point of dying??]]

What will you do when I never speak again?

You wont love me now after today
The Chapstick on
To cover the taste of
Blood
Bitten too hard into
Feelings I cant express
So watch on screen
As if we are infinite
And sometimes I dream
Of dying

Infinitely.

I'm writing you a Blog

I'm writing you a blog post. And once it is done, I think you will forgive me.

Until then..keep doing what you're doing.

Sleep well.

Love,
Elise

83 Days Until the Mayan Calender Ends.

Just in case you were wondering when you were going to die.

I Will Miss the Snow.

I moved far far away
to a place where I thought
my dreams lay
and upon arriving
discovered I'd moved
into a place
where I'd isolated
the only thing I was ever
running away from.

Myself.




I will miss the snow.

Promises lies promises lies...they're all the same..

I had a dream last night, where my grandma died again, and she was dissapointed in me.
And you were there, leaving me again.
And we were working it out, and half accomplishing it, and you answered my questions that I asked. And before we resolved it, I woke up.

And I wish I had stayed sleeping, just so I could have at least had peace in dreams. But even there Grandmas die, and even there people leave me. But at least you were talking to me. I had that.

And its so sad, that as I lay here half-asleep, with my eyes and mind basically still closed, with everything I have of us erased and no way of contacting you on my phone, that with tired eyes and tired everything; my heart has memorized what hurts it the most. It cannot forget how to find its way back to you.
No matter how many times I erase it, no matter how many times I press delete, or block, it won't go away.

How do you erase something that you love?

And I'm only afraid the answer is You Can't.
You can't.



So how did you?

I'm trying to forgive you.

And I do slightly. But, once I am happier, once I get out of the hole, you come back, only to push me farther in.

It angers me.


I'd like to shout at you. I'd like to respond. I'd like to do a lot of things.

But it pisses me off.

You say "us" it has to be "Us"

And I fully Agree.

But you don't want "Us"
You only want "You"

I never thought highly of myself. I only wanted you, and you know it.

Tell me how much you miss me, and then don't talk to me?
You disgust me.

Grow up.


If you're going to be like that, if your love is like that, then Please.

Just stop talking to me.


Its for the better.

Please

Just Stop Talking to Me.

Epiphany.

A breath of whispered Sorrow
Creaking through cracks of dawn
Tell me theres no Morrow-
Infectious as a Yawn.

Lights game plays twice
as those eyes flutter wide
an empty lifes the price
When emotions one does Hide.

A climbing ladder for two
and a Rope cut for One
What is one to Do?
When the other one is Done?

When one gives up
But the other does stay
and soon the fight is lost
Because both go the other way.

And a breeze still extends
across light feathered Skin-
to be happy all Depends
on a Choice from Within.

A breath of whispered Sorrow
Creaking through cracks of dawn
Tell me theres no Morrow-


Infectious as a Yawn.

For Louis-My Dear Friend.

You have told me how many times
You have put the gun up to your head
and How I will never understand
What its like to be
Unwanted
Useless
Truly Alone
A real Piece of shit.

You call me a liar,
for speaking of love
instead of hate,
and say you want to give up
because you have no one
and everyone has left you.

And yet I stand by your side
and tell you I've nothing to hide
I am not a liar
I do not do this for pride.

And you tell me you hate me
for telling you to fight
 Tell me I don't understand
That giving you false hope isn't right.

But I'm not giving you false hope
as I have never left
And I cannot despise you
when all you need is love
You're pushing me away
because of what Was.

And You tell me I don't get it
Tell me I don't understand
Asking God to save you
But look at where I stand.

You've told me how many times
You've put the Gun to your head.
But you never asked
how many times
I put the Gun to mine.


And theres a Bullet in the chamber
And you take One last deep breathe
Before you pull the trigger
Because you have nothing left.

And you ask me why I stay,
ask me what I do.
It doesn't make any sense at all
Because you think I don't understand you.

But I understand more than you Know
But I don't let it take me away.
I've learned that love is everything
And It always triumphs Hate.

So I stand between the Gun
And what you want to do.
Because I'd rather you Kill me.


Then watch as Life Kills You.

Questions and Thoughts

But never the right answers.

And he Writes Again..

And here is a thin whisp of hope-
A dandilion with an extra petal
to say once again

"He loves me not"

And what are second chances for
if not for getting hurt a second time?

But alas-
I cannot lose him again



If he was never Mine.

A Letter-

For me, there is a letter on my desk
That I never sent.

It says all the things I never said
But really meant.

And I'm glad I never sent it.
It didn't feel quite right.

It was good that I didn't send it
Because you gave up the fight.

And I haven't read it since.
It still sits there un-addressed.

For a love that died long ago

But was never put to rest.

P.s.-

[]

I love you.

Alas! A Happy Post!!!

Love Is black and White.

And then I realized-LIFE is black and white.

Either do what you want, or don't do what you want.
Live with regrets, or don't live with regrets.
Live your life to the fullest, or spend it not living at all.

I had a fire in me once and it blew out. I was alive, I was broken, and now I'm trying to pick up the pieces. Its fucking hard, it fucking hurts, but its ok. Its life. And it will happen. I'm doing the best I can and its just wonderful to think I can actually find me again. To think I have actually found me again. No more asking peoples advice, no more listening to others advice-I do things my way and thats the best way.
I can't waste my life away on something that was never meant to be
I'll find my happiness through pain
even if pain was all I was meant to see...

I will try to forgive the ones that hurt me so I can be at peace. Some days I do, some days its harder than others. But one day, it will happen.

Be happy. <3 br="br"> Love,
Elise


 

"Just Work on You Girl"

I want someone to tell me the answers.
I want someone to tell me if I should move on, if I should wait, if I should give up entirely.
I want to know if I should stop talking, and wait for him to come back, or if I should message every night and wait for a response.
If I should let go of my love, or hold on to it entirely.
I don't know if I stop trying, will I lose him?
I wish I could know if there was a chance.
And by chance, I mean that I wish I could know if our future will happen.

One side of me is strong and the other side of me is weak.
One tells me to move on-
The other says its a mistake.

And then I realize, like I have before-
No one is going to give me all the answers.
And no one is going to give me the answer I'm looking for.

And the only answer thats right, The only answer that takes no sides, thats not advice, but is cleanly and purely just an answer-making it the answer, to every question. Be at peace, be right, do what you have to. I'll try to find myself, I will. I'll try to do a lot of things I've been trying to do lately. I could ask a million questions.

This blog started off as "I want I want I want."
And now, by the end, its past tense. Its "Wanted."

And I feel so much better now. Now that I remember again what I'm actually living for. And you can too. There is only one answer. Don't fuck it up.




Be happy.

Irony

Why did I name my shit "Forever" when nothing lasts "Forever"?

Not when He said he loved me this time

Not when I started this blog, over four years ago

For another capricorn, born on the same day

Who I also loved

And who ALSO broke my goddamn heart.

No folks-

Nothing good lasts forever.


Is anything ever good at all??



Forever.

http://indianhippie.wordpress.com/

Just in case anyone was wondering how much I believed I was loved.


If you're reading this, maybe you should re-read it to. Maybe you will remember.


Its ok Guys. He's gone now. He's not reading this. He's never coming back.




The sad thing is..

I think I might be right.

Now a Word from my Pissed Off Soul

You really don't Give a fuck Do you?

Fucking bastard.

Fuck you.






This is what I think of when it hurts.

And Now a Word from Linda Goodman..

"Sagittarius Woman and Capricorn Man"

"He loves her, yes...But she is not, and never will be the most important thing in this Universe to him"

"His family holds that honor"

"If she yells at him "You're Selfish! You're cold and heartless!...-She'll lose him"

"to the Saggitarian Woman who loves him, when he ventures a shy grin...when his quiet eyes twinkle as he says something intimate in a coded way only the two of them understand.."

"He requires some degree of fame and worldy success"

"Her seeking heart needs a miraculous bull's eye now and then, or her fiery spirit will leave her. And what is a Sag without fire and spirit?"

"A very sad clown girl. Theres nothing sadder than a clown whose bright, brave greasepaint is smeared with tears."

"The person you love gradually grows into the image you hold of him (or her) in your mind and heart. Didn't you know that? Its an involiatile metaphysical  law regarding the interraction of human emotions within the powerful vibratory sphere of love"




"She should realize how Achingly he longs someone like her to set him free emotionally-so he can abandon caution and enjoy the passion he feels more strongly than she knows...deep within"


And for the last quote. The last paragraph. The last chance.



"When he's grumpy because his success is still hiding in the mist...and she's blue because her dreams are so slow and poky coming true...they should catch a flight to some faraway, exotic place where there's a touch of magic in the air. It sometimes happens that a trip together will bring out the wishing stars again for a Goat and an Archer who have stopped kissing eachother Goodnight."


I didn't realize what I should have realized then. I didn't understand a love that was going so well enough to dissapoint. I didn't understand "Too Good to be True" or that we shape the people we love into who they become. I didn't know. I didn't understand. All I understood was what you told me, and how much I loved you. And I loved everything about you. Everything. You made me happy.

And I could go on about how happy you made me. About how much I loved it when we kissed, or thought of the future, or talked about marriage, or where we'd live. I could go on. And what everyone doesn't understand, is that it doesn't matter how young you are. That never mattered. People can feel love at all different ages. I know it wasn't a lie at the time, the things you were telling me. But I also saw truth in the things you didn't say. In the things you did say, but worded differently. I saw right through you. And maybe thats why you loved me in the first place. Maybe thats why you had to stop.

All of these things could make sense. I could make up so many scenarios. I could write a millions pages about how I feel. And then a million more, telling the exact opposite. Its all the same really. And maybe when you come back to me you will care about this. But maybe you will never come back. Maybe by then it will be too late. Who knows. A million different scenarios, and the same true answer.

You're gone.

Someone once told me-"Love has grays. Its not all Black and White"
But it is. Its just like Yoda said with "Do or do not, there is no try." Its all the same really.
Because either you love someone, or you dont.
You try to make it work,
Or you dont.

Its really just that simple.

Because people who love you-Don't stop trying.

But maybe they leave for a little bit.

The point is, I'm the only one fighting.
And I can fight. But not if its for someone who doesn't want me, anymore.

We just are the perfect match.

But as Dumbledore says
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

I cannot forget to live.

And the best quote of all, from Maureen at work-

"You can never lose him if he wasn't yours to begin with."



Day by day by day by day.

And slowly, slowly- I know.


The rain will fade away.

I Ruined It.

Not many people understand this.
But I ruined it.

They tell you its not your fault
That you're not the one to blame
that if they REALLY loved you-
They would stay.

But I ruined it.
----------------------------------------------



Why do we always want things we can't have?

Thats Not right..

You won't stay.

You'll move on,
desperate to find that love again
any love again

besides the one you couldn't have.

And you'll settle
and tell yourself you love them
and marry them
and have kids with them

but they won't challenge you.

And you'll be fine with it.

But every
once in a while.

You'll think of me. 

Its strange to think how life passes before our eyes
and we're actually living it
and things that we thought
would never happen
are actually happening

Scary to think,
We may actually get married
have kids,
die
As well.

I know why you did this.

Thats all I can say.

I know why you did this.



I know.

You Can't Leave Me

And you know this.

It's not a controlling thing. Its a feeling thing. You know what I mean.

You've shut yourself down.

I know why you can't feel there.
I know why you've grown numb.

Its because no one makes you think.
No one makes you contemplate.
You just win
and theres no challenge.

But there was a challenge with
me
There was a greatness with
me
And there was always something
trememdous
in arguing
with someone
who also
always
won.

Who also
thought One
could make a difference,
That One
could change the world,
That Maybe
we weren't crazy
Or maybe
we
were just the right amount.

I was the light to your darkness.
And oh, yes.

You were dark.

And you
became friends with
me
because in your mind
I was a prize
not emotionally-
Just that-
A prize. In a
Collection.

But something snapped.
and something happend.

And I was too much of a challenge
For someone numb
to win
such a
Prize.

It took more effort than you thought.
Than you wanted to give

Because I resisted.
And I didn't like you.
Not like the others.
And I understood you.
Not like the others.

Before me,
you didn't even know you needed to be understood.

Like a piece of the puzzle you didn't know was missing.

You convinced me.

It held for a little while.
But then you left.
And the prize was gone.
Replaced by work
and duties
and goals
and achievments
and people
who didn't understand
who you didn't care about

And your prize had changed.

You looked at it from a distance now.
And far away,
it wasn't as beautiful
or magnificent
as it was up-close.

You still wanted it,
maybe.

The challenge became too difficult
you shut down
Maybe some prizes are too hard to win
so you give up trying
and start to think its not worth it
at all.

But you had already won the prize.
And because of that
you now looked away in indifference.
Going
I win
Like always
and the challenge was gone
wasn't what you thought
wasn't what you wanted
and now you looked at different prizes.

Easier prizes
Ones that didn't require thought.
Not real thought.

Ones that are easily
Won
That won't fight back
And maybe you'll be happy that way

Or maybe you
will wake up one day
in silk sheets
and satin robe
and look around at your trophies
at your prizes
an old man
"Intelligent" and "Wise"
they all say.

But Alone.

Never lonely.
But alone.

And you'll still feel numb.
and you'll still feel empty.

Because you're not Voldemort.

We're Albus Dumbledore.

You- later on.

Only if you've read Harry Potter
and actually understand people
Will you truly get this.

But you don't have to be.
You ask "Why Should I?"

You know why you should.

One day you will come back to me.
 One day you will want to come back to me.

But it will be too late.

I hate writing this
 because my writing always comes true.

Its sad that I can't write the one that I want.

But I can't because it's not over.
We're not that couple. Not that kind of couple.

Its not over, because I don't feel it.
Do you feel it?
Something is over.
The way we fantasized, yes.
The way we pictured it could be,
yes.
But we're not that kind of couple.
You said we could be happy.
But thats not our kind of happy.

We make our own happiness.

We will be happy together
living a life we originally planned
alone.

I know why you did this.


And I know you're still there.
Under everything,
you're still there.
And one day,

you will come back to me.

Never remember, Never Forget.

Thats how we sang it..

Hello

I can see through you, you know.

You think you're a door,
but you're a window
or a book
And I can read you.

Everything about you.
As if I am you.

I feel what you feel, and I see what you see.

I feel the lonely, the bitterness, the empty.
The numbness, the pain, the sad.
The longing, the nothing, the empty.

I see you when you're dead inside.

I see you when you don't see yourself.

Even when you don't want to see yourself.


I see you.

Honesty is the best Policy

In my room there is a box.

In that box is a journal.
In another box-
A diary.

One holds emotions in poems and stories.

One holds secrets in entries and dates.

Both tell a story.


--------------------------------------

When I was little, my mother said I used to sit in front of the T.V. and point whenever Disney World Appeared, saying "Mom, I want to go there, I want to go there!"
and she looked at me and said "Ok honey" With a smile.

Or at least, thats how she recalls it.

 I don't remember very much.

When we got there, the first thing I did was fall, and scrape my hands. It didn't hurt. It didn't matter, because everyone kept asking me "Are you okay? Oh God here we go" Or something like that. I started crying I suppose. If they hadn't made a big deal of it I don't think I would have.

My father didn't come with us
Did I have a little sister?

These are the things I'm thinking about.

Who was that man who was with us?
Was his name Stan or Steve?

He created my little sister.
She doesn't know.

My father missed me when I got back. He bought me that thing from T.V...where there is a board with rainbow paper, and you scrape the black goo away with the red scraper. They always made a cat. My father made me a cat.

I think they used to love me.

Everyone tells me I'm hard to figure out.

My father always told me I made a better door than a window.

I dont remember what this was on about.

Don't tell my sister.

Please.

The Kizzle

Sometimes, when you listen to someone elses struggle, you find that that more than anything, helps you with your own.


Sometimes I watch you and its as though you're just a bit sad.
Just a bit lonely.

As if you're trying at life but you just fall short of happy. Just fall short of even really existing at all. And you go on here just so you don't feel lonely. Because when nothing distracts you,

it eats you up inside.

-------------------------------

I go on here so I don't feel lonely
and retweet the things that make me laugh
or cry
and a piece of me is shown through them
but I write how I feel
and it goes ignored
Most of the time.

And you wouldn't realize it,
but people watch you.
People care.

I watch you and its as if you're just a bit lonely.
Just a bit sad.

Just a bit of hanging on to something you can't quite grasp.

And you go on here so you're distracted.

So you don't feel lonely.

Because when you're left to yourself,



From yourself you can't hide.

All I have to Say-Letter Number 1

Should be Goodbye.

Should be the silent air.

I want it to suffocate you. But it won't.

You see Silvano, (and yes, I am addressing you directly here, because this is about you, isn't it? Its always been about you) there is one thing that puzzles me, and one thing that puzzles me ever so slightly and is really very commical when you think about it.

It was almost beautiful in the way you said it. 

The way you said you didn't care- "Why should I?" You said.
Haha but the funny thing is Mi Amour- Why should I?
You're the one who stopped loving me.
You're the one who doesn't care.
But I'm the one who stopped texting you.

And you're the one writing to me, about how you don't care?

None of my tweets were about you. None of my thoughts were about you. You had nothing to respond to. You just thought all that pain had come from you. You wanted it to come from you. Because then you would be in control. But you're "indifferent." You "Don't care". 

 And you very well don't. I doubt he's even reading this guys, I seriously doubt.

But there you were, writing to remind me about it. Why?

Why, if you really didn't care, not just go the fuck away and leave me alone?


You've always been rather selfish. And thats the way you like to be. If you are reading this, I can picture the smirk on your face. The indifference. The emotionless and the laugh of "I don't care"

Oh, I know all too well. You love to be emotionless. The asshole that always wins. Its great for you really, all your winning and success, and the people, Oh! How they fall in love with you!

But you just push them away because you're Silvano. Who needs feelings. I agree.

But I win.

You basically straight up told me when you said "And then, last year, I did [have feelings]" "And now its gone."

Because you don't have me anymore Silvano. You never did have me. But I have you. All of you, all wrapped up in a little ball tucked under my skin. And our emotionlessness is one nice giftwrapped basket from hell. You don't feel sure, but you succeed, and thrive and gain and win. 


You know, it is ironic, how disgustingly perfect we actually are for eachother. How cruel we both can be.

Because it doesn't matter if you don't care now. You did care.

I have that part of you.



You thought I was broken.

But I'm not.

And you are the one who's dead inside.



ha ha Silvano. Jokes on you.


I win.

And you know what the sad part of this whole thing is?

We both

lose.

Show and Tell

I could get mad.
I could get angry.
I could cry.
I could sob, and be sad.
I could be miserable.

Down right fucking miserable.

But why waste the time?

Because when I was on my knees, in the shower, begging God "please" to end it,

You weren't there.

You were NEVER there.

So why would I waste MY time, on someone like that?

You say you LOVE me?? Why don't you fucking SHOW it?

I remember when love was a verb.

And I'm not going to waste any more of my time

on someone who only knows

Adjectives.

Lost.

An aging timeless persona.

I looked down at the broken pieces of what was supposed to be my life.
My goals.
My achievements.
My self.
My everything.

I had built this life from a fairytale dream as a child. With dreams as wood and wishes as glue. And then I grew older and the wood turned to stone, as I found out who I was and established it with the solid foundation of my morals, and held it together with the belief that I could do anything.

My own kind of magic.

And only did the house grow stronger, as each dream became a reality, each goal turned to gold and the barricaded entry ways blocked out all the enemies of the knights table.  It seemed that things would only go uphill from here. As long as the house grew stronger from within, what did it matter that penetrated the outer walls?

But as in any fairytale-any super hero story-there is always a weakness. Just one.

And it was you.

There was no key to this fortress. There was no entering upon request, or entering by force. There was no entering at all.

But you didn't try to get in. Not like others did. As if knowing how to enter all along-you just sat outside and waited. For curiosity. For tempation. For me to go beyond the limits of myself. And you waited. And waited. And waited. And it made me angry.
"Go away!" I cried.

and "Never." you replied.

And I never thought I'd see the day where I opened up a door to a place I never knew, just to explore. The door didn't exist. I hadn't built a door in my dreams to escape from them. They were what I loved, what I cherished beyond all being! But I was tired of looking through a window at a life I had never lived. The only way out was through these walls, these walls I had built myself, built around myself! Made of gold and stone and the toughest materials you could imagine! I had to break it. Just a little. To look. To see if the air was as pure outside of it walls. To see if it was just as fresh. And once I did you grabbed my arm and pulled me through, though I'd shouted "No!"
But you had waited. For curiosity. For Temptation. For me to go beyond the limits of myself.

And I had broken myself apart to escape into something I never wanted to be.

The farther away you took me, the more convincing you had to be. And I watched as my house, my only home inside myself fell apart piece by piece. Because what was holding it together if not wishes made of stone and dreams that became reality? And each piece that fell made a different piece fall. And I watched as it fell. And I fell apart. Soon, you convinced me that there was no other way but the outer walls of myself. What else was I to believe, when everything I'd ever worked for and achieved was crumbling right before my eyes?

And though the stones still had their golden glow-the glow was slowly fading. Because now, once you had pulled me out, I blinked my eyes and you were gone. I was lost in this new world. Alone. Where the streets were dirty and the people mean. And it was only me. I was scared, afraid of this new life! Now there were other people trying to get at me. Dirty people, people thinking they could have me! Didn't they know I was better than that?! With my house of gold and my moral code a tightly weaved dream catcher? I had always known lies. I had always known deception and cruelty. But now, as an immune system attacks itself, I was being infiltrated by diseases unknown to me, unprotected and unaware.  And all I could do was stare at my ruin of a life. My beautiful life that I had destroyed all on my own. I looked at the terrible pieces, and it seemed that they cried with me. I was confused. I was lost. How do I rebuild what was once so amazing? So wonderful?! I didn't know how to live a life outside of my protective barrier-I didn't want to live a life outside of it. The pieces were broken. And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put my house back together again. Because I had built it. And destroyed it. I was the only one who could pick up the pieces.

And the winds blew their music through the trees-You were gone.

I stared at the ruins of my life. And I knew I had to rebuild what I had broken. Stronger, and more durable than anything I'd ever dreamed of. But I had to put the house back together first. I had to pick up the pieces.
One. Piece. at a time.

Sometimes the stones still glow. Just for a second, but real bright. And it seems that there is hope in what I thought was lost. And even though the stones glow for only a moment-that moment is enough to give me strength to pick up the next stone. And the next. I decided to live in this world for a while. To see if there was something more than building a house of dreams never to escape from. To see if I could be as strong as the house I'd built. Or to see if I was as brittle as the straw sticks that it was made of. Theres warmth in these stones. A comfort of an old friend. A friend I never had. And I realized, you hadn't been my weakness.

I had.

I was scared. And I was vulnerable. But I wasn't going to be weak. Not like before.

One piece at a time, I put myself back together.

 I don't know how my house will look. I don't know who I am going to be when I am done. I may never be done. I am lost. But one day, I will find myself again. And that will be the day I let myself back in. Trust myself to be whole again. And I will build a door.

This time I wouldn't have to escape. Piece by piece, I put myself back together.

Until I am whole again, Once more.

Friday the 13th

I miss you.

So Sad

How you can foresee something dreadful.
something terrible.
I read your notes of desperation
and I know I can't respond
Like an angel in heaven
who weeps because
we weep
and can't speak
to save
worry
or give
Gods grace
or tell us we're not all damned...

How sad
when you can see whats coming.
And do nothing to stop it
or forestall it.
Only watch
as it falls
to pieces
falls to shit

Falls

 a 
      p
a
      r 
  
     t     .

Please God

Don't punish me..

Feeling Like You Can't Breathe..

This is hard.
This is really really
Hard.
One day
one day
one day
one day too many
and its hard.
But things are going good,
so what am I to do?
I can't give it up.
But I can't give you up either
This is how it has to be.
For now.
Forever
Until I get there
Until you get there
Until you get
here
I love you
I love you
I love you
but is love ever enough?
I shouldn't have said anything
Please stop
It hurts.
I can't give you hope.
Please just stop.
It hurts.

It hurts.

Like the way you said goodbye and didn't look me in the eye.
It hurts.

Forever.

Was a word once,
once on my mind
something I fiddled with
but was
long forgotten.
I wanted it with
him
I loved
him
and he didn't want
me.
They say time heals all wounds.
Four years later
and I still can't forget.
All it takes is
one memory
and a ghost is haunting me.
I'll never escape.
And the only thing I know is that
forever feels so long ago
and I fear I'll never love again
and I'll be alone.

Forever.

Just for a Day

Sometimes,
when I'm feeling terrible
that horrible
feeling-
I don't reply
because it hurts.
I know you love me.
I know.
But I don't know if its
right.
I don't know if its what I
want.
I don't know
what to do
about it.
So I don't respond.
And sometimes
I don't respond
Just to see if you'll
miss me.
need me.
leave me..
Sometimes
I wonder
how long it will take
to wait
until you say

Goodbye.

But I can't wait for more than
a day.
because sometimes
its like loving you
hurts so bad
to breathe
and I can't live
I can't succeed
without you
But I have to.
So sometimes

I try to.

Just for a day.
I can't wait for more than a day..

I Just Want to Forget.

I have to stop talking to you.
I just want to forget.

Delete our conversations
our pictures
our memories..
The way you smelled
the way your skin felt
the way you looked at me.  
I can't accomplish what I need
you're a curse
a blessing.
I love you.

I hate you.

I want to erase everything we have
and everything we haven't
had the chance to have.

I hear you in the background.
my mind.
Its like static
White noise.

Please stop talking.
Please stop.

It won't stop.

I just want to forget..

You Think You Know Me

But on the inside.
This is what I'm feeling on the inside.

Do you care?
No.
You only care
what makes you happy.
I can read you.
Everything about you.
All it takes it a look.
You don't even know yourself.
How could you ever understand me?
You know I make you happy.
Because I laugh a lot.
I joke a lot.
I smile a lot.
But do you ever
look into my eyes?
My souls here.
But do you care?
No.
You only care
what makes you happy.

You think you know me.

Guess Again.

All It Takes is One Memory

To trigger that feeling. That awful awful feeling. And you don't even know what feeling it is. All you know is that when you're feeling it, you can't breathe, and yet you are breathing heavily. And your heart slows, yet pumps so quickly. You want to scream. But you stay silent.

It builds.

Help
help
help
help
help..

but no ones listening.

You don't even know what to say. You want to say everything and nothing all at once.

This is the first blog of my new life.

And all it takes is a memory.

To trigger that feeling.



That awful, awful feeling...