Thursday, December 27, 2012

Why do I feel like soon I will die?

To Disappear From this Horrible Horrible Mood..

Did you ever blank out, for countless seconds at a time?
Just staring off into space, just standing, under a blank light, and you're not really thinking anything?
But you're wondering how you got there. Not under the light, but how you got in that state of mind, the kind of mind that brought you under the light, to stare off blankly in the first place. And you start thinking things, over thinking things. But you're not thinking, because you're not really there. You're just feeling. And you're staring at a vase of flowers and notice the One broken one in the whole mesh. And you think God its beautiful but its Broken! Its broken its so broken and no one will ever want it! Who would ever want something thats so broken?

And what if you couldn't see it? Would you know? Would you turn back? What if its not broken at all, but it just is perceived to be so that's how it sees itself now as well.

And you're standing on top of a mountain, and you're not there with the people you climbed it with, you're by yourself. And you call out but all you hear is your own voice, and the only echo is that of whats inside you. Staring off and all you think is "We are ants. If I disappeared one would find me"
and you just wonder if that means you disappeared already.

And you're sitting at home writing this and you wonder when you'll come out of this horrible state you're in. They only last a short time. But you know if they're there, something inside you that's horrible is happening. And you just want it to be over.

Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

And I wonder if that's why people climb mountains in the first place.

Because they don't care if they disappear or not.

they have already.

A Horrible Feeling..

Did you ever feel empty inside?

Really Empty? As if you just got done watching a movie, and the credits are rolling--but the emotion from the last scene still lingers in the air. And the movie is really disturbing, and you don't know why but it affects you somehow. Like from something from your childhood, where something terrible happened to you to make you not feel anything anymore.  And I want to ask you if you were molested. But I don't think you were. I know you weren't. You're just cold. And then I wonder if I'm just asking myself. When I know I wasn't either.

But the last scene from the movie still lingers in the air, and nothing could drown out or fit into this empty space. The essence of it is pure feeling, gasping for air in a glass jar, with the lid on tight, building pressure, but never to break.

And I wonder when someone will get the idea to break the silence and release this secret for what it really is.

I wonder if I'll ever open my own jar of secrets

But I know I'll be trapped in the glass forever.

Love Always,


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Falling Down a Mountain

I climbed a mountain in the snow with my bare hands and tennis shoes on. I slipped on rocks, stood on edges and nearly tumbled to my death. The top was beautiful. But I still felt empty inside. I still feel angry. I still feel broken. I guess, no matter the amazing things we do in life, we are still human. There's no escaping what you are, and sadly enough, pain still always finds a way of getting to you. And what they don't tell you, is how when you're at the top, it's beautiful, but then you have to find a safe way down. And sometimes there is no safe way down. And you have to just let yourself fall, let yourself get dirty, let yourself get hurt. Because it's the only way. And you start thinking on your way down, when it's so so far, was it worth it, to even get to the top? You start wondering if anythings really worth it at all. And you don't think about being alive or surviving or anything, you just think about getting to the bottom. Somehow it will all be okay when you're at the bottom.

Because then there's no more falling. There's no more pain, except for what you've already Incured. And you're just glad it's over. So in a way, I guess it wasn't the climb that made the trip, but all about the falling.

All about the part where you struggle where you never thought you'd have to; and watching as you survived it.

Merry Christmas

Love Always,

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I need to stop remembering how we woke up kissing and remember how you stopped talking to me out of no where and said how it wouldn't matter if you lost me.
I can't remember anything except the part where I hate you.
I want to break this mirror and shatter every piece of it that's failed me. I wish for nothing more than to be whole but this shits already broken and all I do is cut myself with broken glass and things that were never meant to happen.

Bleed me whole again. Maybe broken is what I'm always meant to be.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

12 Days but I'm not Counting.


Monday, December 17, 2012

"Make a Wish Harry."

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Fear.

Days count down
Till they're single digits
And suddenly
You're looking at spots
Around corners
In the street
For shelter
For warmth
No emotion
Just survival
And panic
And you're just



[What am I going to Do??]

Thursday, December 13, 2012

California suffocates me with it's walking bodies and not a single living soul.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

You made me stop believing.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Pricked at the light of
close petite windows
in defence-
What it would be like to float away
on thoughts of gold
and never have to think again of this numbing mind
this numbing heart;
I wish for happiness, but have forgotten
everything that means something
Questions filter through screens
my mind a puzzle of its own
Who's the mouse?
Who's the doctor?

And what Exactly, is the cheese?

Do we wish for windows to stay closed
or to open for breezes? I'll never know the thoughts
that swim into my blood like cold dead
that somehow manage



Maybe I'm a bird who's wings were clipped and can no longer fly,
I watch, as I twitter along the floor,
Wishing for the sky

I once flew into wisps,
White,floating candy floss
Breathed the freshest air
Free from pollutants

And now these things
Are all my lungs breathe
And with each breath
The harder it is to

So clip my wings and tell me

"Fly, Nevermore"

And tell me
Your paralysis,
Does it cripple you,
Like you want it to?
And is not a broken heart
A flesh wound, like the rest?
I tell you, I'd rather have been shot
But Love has not a bullet proof vest.
But a suicide in cyanide waiting to
Give the man your writing hand
And tell him to
stick it in you.
So you do it out of love
And you regret it out of hate
And you realize all of this,
Just a little too late.
As he looks in another's eyes
And thinks the same thoughts you could
But not with you.
With another.

And so forever alone, crippled,

Your aching heart should be.

[[what is the point of dying??]]

What will you do when I never speak again?

You wont love me now after today
The Chapstick on
To cover the taste of
Bitten too hard into
Feelings I cant express
So watch on screen
As if we are infinite
And sometimes I dream
Of dying