Thursday, December 27, 2012

To Disappear From this Horrible Horrible Mood..

Did you ever blank out, for countless seconds at a time?
Just staring off into space, just standing, under a blank light, and you're not really thinking anything?
But you're wondering how you got there. Not under the light, but how you got in that state of mind, the kind of mind that brought you under the light, to stare off blankly in the first place. And you start thinking things, over thinking things. But you're not thinking, because you're not really there. You're just feeling. And you're staring at a vase of flowers and notice the One broken one in the whole mesh. And you think God its beautiful but its Broken! Its broken its so broken and no one will ever want it! Who would ever want something thats so broken?

And what if you couldn't see it? Would you know? Would you turn back? What if its not broken at all, but it just is perceived to be so that's how it sees itself now as well.

And you're standing on top of a mountain, and you're not there with the people you climbed it with, you're by yourself. And you call out but all you hear is your own voice, and the only echo is that of whats inside you. Staring off and all you think is "We are ants. If I disappeared one would find me"
and you just wonder if that means you disappeared already.

And you're sitting at home writing this and you wonder when you'll come out of this horrible state you're in. They only last a short time. But you know if they're there, something inside you that's horrible is happening. And you just want it to be over.

Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

And I wonder if that's why people climb mountains in the first place.

Because they don't care if they disappear or not.

they have already.

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