Sunday, January 27, 2013

That One Moment in Time..The Very Moment, That Marks Who We Are As People. The Moment..that Defines Us.

I just lived the most wonderful fantasy.

My hair is tied up loosely, small ringlets falling here and there behind each ear to mark my cheek. A blue ribbon around the knot, and the look is rather old fashiondly beautiful, and exquisite. My eyes are lined and lashes full. Lips, in a shade slightly darker than my own, with pearl earrings, and a smile. In this moment I am transported back in time, in a different place, in a different life. Frank Sinatra is on the stage singing "Embraceable You" and I picture him singing to me, and holding his hand out, asking me to dance. And we dance like they do in the movies. The man singing, perfectly on pitch, and the woman, all smiles and happiness. Pure happiness. And every movement is flawless, as if I am a feather. I close my eyes and mimic the movements and it's as if I am there, and some ghost of my past moves me to songs it once knew. I don't feel my steps, I feel light, like I'm hardly moving at all. And the end of the song comes and the girl smiles ever brighter because she knows what's coming. And the man finishes the last note with perfect trembling of the vocal cords, and for a moment-just a slight moment-they stare into each others eyes as if they've found everything they were ever looking for right there in the eyes of that other person. And then they kiss. Finally joining what they didn't even know was separated to begin with.
And then everything's okay. They get their happily ever after-Usually.

But we never see what's after the end credits do we.

And at the end of the day, Frank Sinatras just some asshole guy with good looks and a great voice. And the people kissing are just actors and actresses, trying to find on stage what they're missing in life. The stage has become their life. It always does. And for a moment everything's okay. Because when you're empty enough you can fully encapsulate any character as your own. And so for a moment it's okay. And life goes on. And the next role is played, by the next actor and actress, who have lives and problems. And soon they die, and are forgotten, as everyone who knew them dies too. And for the person who sees all of this happening with eyes wide open they begin to wonder what's the point, and they are always searching, constantly searching for the answer. And they wonder if that's the point-to search.
Or if it's merely the point to search, and live, solely,

For the moment.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I recognized my souls counterpart
In another.
But it was the worser part.
The evil.

It tried to destroy me. Kill me.

I loved it still.
I wanted to show you
That you were beautiful too.
And that someone could still love you.

But you were too cold

To see it.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

At what point do you stop pretending? Stop playing?

At what point do you free yourself from the monotonous misery you've trapped yourself in?

At what point do you say "enough"?

When do you let yourself let it go?

It's hard to sleep because it's hard to let go of the feeling that the feeling will never go away.

Of hopeless emptiness.

God Save me.

I cannot save myself.

And I fear, that I'll believe it.

And then no one can.

At what point, it too escape?

[Don't keep me here forever]

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

We Walk the Plank With Our Eyes Wide Open.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I hope they're happier now.

Funeral was today, to say goodbye to someone I used to love. I couldn't make it. Didn't make it to the other funeral either. Never called like I said I would.

Maybe because I didn't say goodbye it means they're still alive.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

My Paradise.

If I were alone, I'd open all the windows, and walk around naked, in just my bra and underwear.
I'd live in a small house, with a bright garden, where I'd sit and drink tea in the morning, with hot chocolate. Eat cake and oranges for breakfast. And here, the birds are always chirping, the sun is always shining, and there's a slight breeze that rustles the trees and flowers overhead. I am secluded from the world here. this is my world here. I am so at peace because there is nothing to worry about. And I don't need anyone here. The sun fills me up in a way that makes me not think. That takes away my questions, and my worry. I don't have to worry about if I'm failing here. I sit in a dress with my hair down, and a flower behind my ear and It is paradise.

With birds chirping I sit and let the sun warm my skin and I am nothing, made in to everything.

And it is Paradise.

You Gave me Neverland.

Stuck as Wendy, trapped there forever.

I wanted something more.


Sometimes, it feels like vomiting.
Other times, it feels like nothing. Like forcing yourself up from the warm bed, sick, trying not to puke, and having the frigid air hit you, having to put clothes on and ride a bike to work and hoping you won't freeze to death on the way there.

Sometimes it's like that.

And other times,

It's like nothing.

Dear You.

You know it's funny. Because I'm the one, sleeping on a floor in California, contract at finger tips, with all the potential in the world, and yet, and still I am letting myself be miserable. What happened to the bright side Elise? What happened to the fun? What happened to your very will to live?

Was it because nothing was as you expected it to be?

No. It is because everything is Exactly the way I expected it to be.
I expected to suffer. It was the emotional struggle, I was not expecting to deal with.

And I wonder if I was happy because you loved me, or because I loved you. Because I had finally found someone to give all of myself to. Someone I thought I could trust, who would be there. I don't love you anymore. I don't honestly love anything anymore. It wasn't you that broke me. Nothing broke me. I broke myself. Nothing came as a surprise to me, nothing came as a shock. I knew it would be hard, I knew I'd be successful, I knew you'd leave. I knew all these things. It was just a matter of time and progression. The funny thing is, it seems the more empty I feel, the more other people feel. And I just wonder if maybe I should love other people without expecting any back, without wanting any back and maybe I'll be happy. And then I wonder if that's just what I've been doing the whole time.

And maybe that time I was happy because someone finally loved me back.

And yet, there was always that impending doom, that lurking denial. Funny because I knew it was a trap, and funny, because in the end you told me it was my presence that made you believe in the first place.

Funny, because I had inadvertently set the trap myself.

So I sit on this floor and I sit and freeze and wonder, what exactly I am doing with the rest of my life.

Knowing someday, if I grasp it..I may very well change the world.

Love Always,