Thursday, January 3, 2013

Dear You.

You know it's funny. Because I'm the one, sleeping on a floor in California, contract at finger tips, with all the potential in the world, and yet, and still I am letting myself be miserable. What happened to the bright side Elise? What happened to the fun? What happened to your very will to live?

Was it because nothing was as you expected it to be?

No. It is because everything is Exactly the way I expected it to be.
I expected to suffer. It was the emotional struggle, I was not expecting to deal with.

And I wonder if I was happy because you loved me, or because I loved you. Because I had finally found someone to give all of myself to. Someone I thought I could trust, who would be there. I don't love you anymore. I don't honestly love anything anymore. It wasn't you that broke me. Nothing broke me. I broke myself. Nothing came as a surprise to me, nothing came as a shock. I knew it would be hard, I knew I'd be successful, I knew you'd leave. I knew all these things. It was just a matter of time and progression. The funny thing is, it seems the more empty I feel, the more other people feel. And I just wonder if maybe I should love other people without expecting any back, without wanting any back and maybe I'll be happy. And then I wonder if that's just what I've been doing the whole time.

And maybe that time I was happy because someone finally loved me back.

And yet, there was always that impending doom, that lurking denial. Funny because I knew it was a trap, and funny, because in the end you told me it was my presence that made you believe in the first place.

Funny, because I had inadvertently set the trap myself.

So I sit on this floor and I sit and freeze and wonder, what exactly I am doing with the rest of my life.

Knowing someday, if I grasp it..I may very well change the world.

Love Always,

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