Tuesday, September 4, 2012


An aging timeless persona.

I looked down at the broken pieces of what was supposed to be my life.
My goals.
My achievements.
My self.
My everything.

I had built this life from a fairytale dream as a child. With dreams as wood and wishes as glue. And then I grew older and the wood turned to stone, as I found out who I was and established it with the solid foundation of my morals, and held it together with the belief that I could do anything.

My own kind of magic.

And only did the house grow stronger, as each dream became a reality, each goal turned to gold and the barricaded entry ways blocked out all the enemies of the knights table.  It seemed that things would only go uphill from here. As long as the house grew stronger from within, what did it matter that penetrated the outer walls?

But as in any fairytale-any super hero story-there is always a weakness. Just one.

And it was you.

There was no key to this fortress. There was no entering upon request, or entering by force. There was no entering at all.

But you didn't try to get in. Not like others did. As if knowing how to enter all along-you just sat outside and waited. For curiosity. For tempation. For me to go beyond the limits of myself. And you waited. And waited. And waited. And it made me angry.
"Go away!" I cried.

and "Never." you replied.

And I never thought I'd see the day where I opened up a door to a place I never knew, just to explore. The door didn't exist. I hadn't built a door in my dreams to escape from them. They were what I loved, what I cherished beyond all being! But I was tired of looking through a window at a life I had never lived. The only way out was through these walls, these walls I had built myself, built around myself! Made of gold and stone and the toughest materials you could imagine! I had to break it. Just a little. To look. To see if the air was as pure outside of it walls. To see if it was just as fresh. And once I did you grabbed my arm and pulled me through, though I'd shouted "No!"
But you had waited. For curiosity. For Temptation. For me to go beyond the limits of myself.

And I had broken myself apart to escape into something I never wanted to be.

The farther away you took me, the more convincing you had to be. And I watched as my house, my only home inside myself fell apart piece by piece. Because what was holding it together if not wishes made of stone and dreams that became reality? And each piece that fell made a different piece fall. And I watched as it fell. And I fell apart. Soon, you convinced me that there was no other way but the outer walls of myself. What else was I to believe, when everything I'd ever worked for and achieved was crumbling right before my eyes?

And though the stones still had their golden glow-the glow was slowly fading. Because now, once you had pulled me out, I blinked my eyes and you were gone. I was lost in this new world. Alone. Where the streets were dirty and the people mean. And it was only me. I was scared, afraid of this new life! Now there were other people trying to get at me. Dirty people, people thinking they could have me! Didn't they know I was better than that?! With my house of gold and my moral code a tightly weaved dream catcher? I had always known lies. I had always known deception and cruelty. But now, as an immune system attacks itself, I was being infiltrated by diseases unknown to me, unprotected and unaware.  And all I could do was stare at my ruin of a life. My beautiful life that I had destroyed all on my own. I looked at the terrible pieces, and it seemed that they cried with me. I was confused. I was lost. How do I rebuild what was once so amazing? So wonderful?! I didn't know how to live a life outside of my protective barrier-I didn't want to live a life outside of it. The pieces were broken. And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put my house back together again. Because I had built it. And destroyed it. I was the only one who could pick up the pieces.

And the winds blew their music through the trees-You were gone.

I stared at the ruins of my life. And I knew I had to rebuild what I had broken. Stronger, and more durable than anything I'd ever dreamed of. But I had to put the house back together first. I had to pick up the pieces.
One. Piece. at a time.

Sometimes the stones still glow. Just for a second, but real bright. And it seems that there is hope in what I thought was lost. And even though the stones glow for only a moment-that moment is enough to give me strength to pick up the next stone. And the next. I decided to live in this world for a while. To see if there was something more than building a house of dreams never to escape from. To see if I could be as strong as the house I'd built. Or to see if I was as brittle as the straw sticks that it was made of. Theres warmth in these stones. A comfort of an old friend. A friend I never had. And I realized, you hadn't been my weakness.

I had.

I was scared. And I was vulnerable. But I wasn't going to be weak. Not like before.

One piece at a time, I put myself back together.

 I don't know how my house will look. I don't know who I am going to be when I am done. I may never be done. I am lost. But one day, I will find myself again. And that will be the day I let myself back in. Trust myself to be whole again. And I will build a door.

This time I wouldn't have to escape. Piece by piece, I put myself back together.

Until I am whole again, Once more.

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